So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My vagina is officially offended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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