I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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