there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.