so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
