Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
