You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
