You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize