My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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