from now on my penis is your penis
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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