So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
