Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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