but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
