I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
