I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
