this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
