Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
