On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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