if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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