I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Randomize
