i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
