You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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