it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
