cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
