Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
