my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I love having hate sex.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
