I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
This girl is more easily done than said...
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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