my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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