Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
