onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You took a bar mat shot.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
