Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Randomize
