why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
too bad you live with your parents still
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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