I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
