have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
