why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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