he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
