Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
