Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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