it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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