I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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