So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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