Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
