don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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