No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
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I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
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That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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