If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
