i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Randomize
