I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
