I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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