Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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