Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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