4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
