Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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