I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
What drink are we having for lunch?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
