Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
