Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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