I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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