i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
