So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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