Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
