Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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